There’s been an average of roughly one book about Trump and his inner circle released every single day for the last 188 weeks.
Time Magazine, Sept. 8, 2020
With a defeat at hand, the leading figures in the Trump Administration have their tell-all books ready! Vitriol ® Press, America’s premier purveyor of literary frenzy, is proud to announce its schedule of major publication releases for 2021.
March
Anthony Scaramucci
“Did I Say That?”
Excerpt: “When I said Trump was a ‘blue-collar President’ I meant ‘orange jump suit President’. But I meant it when I said Trump was the President of the working man. I know, because I’m Italian and I’m a working man – I’ve worked at Goldman, at hedge funds, I’ve gotten my hands dirty. Of, course, it took me a while to realize he was an uncaring, disloyal, monomaniacal sociopath, which I suppose makes me either a transfixed, childlike groupie or a rabid, disposable Goebbels who had to be put down. But I will give the guy this. He showed me if you just kept talking, no matter how ridiculous the stuff coming out of your mouth was, people will pay attention to you. And that’s why I now intend to be part of the solution.”
Includes a minute-by-minute diary of Scaramucci’s eleven days in the White House!
April
Rex Tillerson
“The Dignity of Public Service”
Excerpt: “I was flattered to be asked by President Trump to be his Secretary of ..what was it?...that’s right, State. Yes, he was obviously a deeply-damaged idiot, but I was obligated to accept because of my commitment to a nobler cause – the avoidance of capital gains taxes on the $228 million in Exxon stock and stock options I had to place in a trust when I assumed whichever position it was, thus saving me about $45 million. Yes, this was not a great amount of money for someone who had been an executive in the oil industry, but it was the principle of the thing. The catch is you have to be in government service for a full year to get this deal, but I figured I could dick around with department reorganization for a year before they got wise to me, and I did, although there were times when talking to the Kushner kid made me want to take my eyes out with knitting needles. But when all is said and done, public service is a noble and dignified calling, and it was a privilege to serve my country. OK…done. How do you turn this tape machine off?”
June
Kim Jung Un
“I Left My Heart on the Table”
Excerpt: “I gazed into His Excellency’s perfectly tanned face and let my eyes swim over his magnificent hair, and I was suddenly lost in a sea of orange. I knew this was the world leader for me. He meant more to me than my uncle, more than that forward for the Pistons. Later, as we were together, quiet and alone, I looked up and said, ‘You know, that Stormy Daniels woman said it was shaped like a mushroom, but it’s more like one of our staunch, proud North Korean cabbages we occasionally enjoy eating, since we only eat occasionally.’ He was more than an Excellency – he was a Delicacy.”
Poster sized photo of the two Supreme Leaders enclosed.
August
“Dr. Atlas’ Medical Dictionary For Home or Office”
Excerpt: “The childhood diseases are widely misunderstood. For example, the mumps can be controlled by applying an ice pack to the swelling, 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off. Chicken pox are fun! Measles, contrary to old wives tales, cannot be prevented with a vaccine. Instead, if a member of your family gets the measles (it’s easy to tell – just check if that family member has been in physical contact with a Hassidic rabbi), the best thing to do is let your family develop a ‘herd immunity’ to the disease by sharing the sick person’s food and using their towels and toothbrush. When in doubt, always rely on this trusted medical precept – if you want it to be true, it probably is.”
“I keep it on my desk for constant reference.” Presidential physician Dr. Scott Conley.
September
General James Mattis
“A Time for Truth”
Excerpt: “Some argue I should have revealed definitively before the election my view the President was criminally unfit for office, as uncaring about global affairs as he was the need to button his suitcoat when he stood. Somehow, a few coy comments in The Atlantic did not satisfy them. But I had sworn an oath of fidelity to the code of silence that pervades the armed forces, and my commitment to that oath was so strong I held my silence even as the President tried to destroy root and branch the institution I swore to defend. But now that it’s all over and time to shoot the wounded after battle, I am relieved of my debt of honor and can finally speak the truth – the guy’s nuts, mad as a hatter. But my integrity has been preserved.”
With an Introduction by John Kelley and not much from H. R. McMaster either.
November
Kayleigh MacEnany
“Out My Ass and Straight From the Hip”
Excerpt: “’I will never lie to you,’ I said to the press corps on my first day on the job. It was a vow I kept faithfully. When I said President Trump’s pussy grabbing implied consent on the part of the grabbed, I knew it was true – how could it be otherwise? When I said the Mueller Report was a “complete and total exoneration” for the President, I was simply repeating what the Attorney General said. When I said the attempted rape charges again Justice Kavanaugh were verifiably false, I was on firm ground – if he had done that, why wasn’t it on his calendar? And who could argue with my remark that there’s “ample evidence of fraud” regarding absentee and mail-in ballots? Just look at it! It’s a mail-in ballot! How many times have you gotten the same piece of junk mail twice, even three times, or stuff addressed to “occupant?” As they taught us at Harvard Law School, Res ipsa loquitur, meaning “if you want it to be true, it probably is.” Or did my doctor say that?
December
Lindsay Graham
“My Friend, John McCain”
Excerpt: “Someone once said my string of self-contradictions and reversals has made so many heads snap I had the chiropractic vote locked up. Ha, ha, that’s a good one. Sure, sometimes I’d bristle when the President made fun of a guy like McCain, a man I loved when he was alive, in front of me, and buying the drinks, but remember, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. For example, sometimes when my Commander in Chief and I would be out golfing at one of his sumptuous golf courses he would suddenly call out, ‘McCain! How I hate that pig-faced bastard! What a failure! I wish the North Vietnamese had slapped some sense into that loser.’ Many people might wonder how I could tolerate such talk, but I look at it this way: I called the President a ‘race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot’ and he got over that, so how could I do anything less?”
Ev. Pure Genius!