Pharaoh

Archeologists at the Gamal Nasser Center for the Study of Antiquity at Cairo University have completed the translation of a previously undeciphered wall of hieroglyphics in the tomb of Pharaoh Ramses II, providing invaluable insights into the administration of his regime.

TRANSCRIPT OF PRESS CONFERENCE OF

MS. “BIRD BIRD ARM BIRD SNAKE,”

COMMUNICATIONS VIZIER FOR PHARAOH RAMSES II

MS. SNAKE: Good morning. I’d like to talk about this Pharaoh’s triumphant efforts to combat the rash of plagues now underway in Egypt.

Egypt has never experienced a challenge like these plagues, but thanks to Pharaoh Ramses, we are defeating the plagues and reopening our economy. When the rivers turned to blood, some people – notably the Scribes and the Scholars and the Hebrews -- exaggerated the threat out of partisan political animosity to the Pharaoh. But then the rivers turned back into rivers, despite many predictions to the contrary by the so-called augurers. Then there was a rain of frogs and there were similar predictions of disaster. But we can now say definitively those were not Egyptian frogs.

I’ll now turn to questions.

QUESTIONER ONE: The rivers turned back to water and the frogs went away, but now we have flies, unimaginable swarms of flies. What is your comment on this plague of flies?

MS. SNAKE: Look, we’re Egypt, we’re a great, great dynasty, but we’re going to have flies, we have flies every season. It’s hot and flies like the heat, everybody knows that. When Ra the Sun God lowers the sun in the sky in the coming winter months, it will be cooler and the flies will disappear, just like that. It will be a miracle, just as Pharaoh Ramses has predicted.

QUESTIONER ONE: If I may follow up. Our cattle are now being devastated by pestilence --

MS. SNAKE: That’s a highly offensive word for it. It would be more accurate to say the cattle are indisposed. Pharaoh Ramses has a very good relationship with Egypt’s cattle – the cattle love him and he loves them. You should be ashamed of questions like that.

QUESTIONER TWO: How does the Pharaoh respond to the Scholars of the Library of Alexandria who point out other nations in our region – Nubia, Libya, Sheba – have not had anything remotely similar to our plagues, and that the concentration of plagues in Egypt is direct evidence they arise out of the conflict between Pharaoh and The Lord of Hosts?

MS SNAKE: The idea that these plagues come from some unseen and likely imaginary Lord of Hosts is an insult that endangers the lives of the Egyptian people. As Pharaoh has said, they should call him The Lord of Hoax. As Pharaoh has made clear, these other countries have falsely denied the existence of the plagues within their borders at the cost of countless Egyptian lives. It is beyond question those nations hid the truth about the plagues and they are responsible for them. These frogs could well have been Moabite frogs, and the lice Assyrian lice. But no Pharaoh has ever been tougher on the Moabites and Assyrians than Pharaoh Ramses has been. And just look at the record -- more people have survived plagues in Egypt than in any other country.

QUESTIONER TWO: But that’s because we’ve had more plagues than any other country.

MS SNAKE: The data speak for themselves. I won’t dignify your question with an answer. Next question.

QUESTIONER THREE: How does Pharaoh Ramses feel about the disproportionate incidence of lice, flies, and boils among the Hebrew slaves? The Scholars of the Libraries of Alexandria have argued that the slaves work in very close proximity to each other and are particularly vulnerable.

MS. SNAKE: With regard to the Hebrew slaves, let me point out the Hebrew slaves usually live in squalor and make other poor hygiene and diet choices that leave them susceptible to these various ailments, be they boils or vermin or flies or the invasion of the body with evil spirits that cause acid reflux and sinus congestion, from which many of their race suffer. Moreover, the Hebrew slaves are doing essential work, construction of the Pyramids. Pharaoh Ramses appreciates the contribution of the Hebrew slaves, and I can assure you the Hebrew slaves want the Pyramids to remain open so they can complete their work that is so important to Egypt.

QUESTIONER FOUR: With the plagues being visited upon us, the Egyptian economy is collapsing. What is Pharaoh Ramses’ plan for bringing the economy back?

MS. SNAKE: First, let’s remember that Pharaoh Ramses has built the greatest economy ever known to human history. When Pharaoh Ramses dreamt seven fat cows would came out of the Nile and then be eaten by seven skinny cows, he got the synod to store grain for seven years and then release it, leading to our unprecedented prosperity. And, he cut taxes.

QUESTIONER FOUR: But now our strategic stocks of grain are empty! Was Pharaoh Ramses negligent in not maintaining a larger strategic stockpile of grain?

MS. SNAKE: The stockpile was depleted by previous Pharaohs. Besides, it’s the responsibility of the provinces to maintain these stockpiles, not the Pharaoh’s. And let me also point out that the architect of these economic policies was the Pharaoh’s viceroy, Joseph, a Hebrew. The Hebrew slaves have never had it better than under Pharaoh Ramses, which is why he enjoys their support.

QUESTIONER FIVE: Are we any closer to a cure of these plagues?

MS. SNAKE: Our Scholars at the Libraries of Alexandria are working day and night to come up with a combination of herbs, incantations, and sacrifices to Isis that will prevent people from catching the plagues. The Pharaoh has promised a cure before The Festivals of Opet and Kohiak.

But Pharaoh Ramses believes what many priests are saying – that a regular program of prophylactic scorpion stings and snake bites will help people avoid catching the plagues.

QUESTIONER FIVE: But isn’t it true that scorpion stings and snake bites kill large numbers of their victims? Most scholars dispute the idea --

MS. SNAKE: Let me answer by disclosing to you that Pharaoh Ramses has personally been getting stung by scorpions and bitten by snakes for two weeks now, under the care of his own personal healer, Arm Man Snake Wavy Lines Bird, and has shown no signs of side effects other than an inability to walk down palace ramps and hold his water chalice with one hand. More importantly, he is yet to experience any of the plagues. How do you sleep at night after asking a question like that?

QUESTIONER SIX: There have been reports of some provinces experiencing a second wave of plagues, including outbreaks of hail, locusts, and darkness. Does Pharaoh Ramses have any comment?

MS. SNAKE: I’m not going to comment on unverified reports, but I will say it’s the job of the provinces to decide how to manage themselves, although it is very important that the Temples of Amun-Ra and Horus remain open at this critical time. As Pharaoh has said, Egyptians should not be afraid of these plagues, or let them dominate their lives.

At this point, a messenger enters and gives a scroll to Ms Snake, which she opens and reads.

MS SNAKE: I have just been informed Pharaoh and many of his viziers, high priests, and courtiers have been infested with lice, boils, and vermin, and that Pharaoh’s eldest child is feeling indisposed. Pharaoh’s Royal Wife, lesser wives, and concubines are quarantining themselves in the Palace while Pharaoh is being moved to the Temple of Osiris for observation. Pharaoh Ramses feels fine, and I know the people of Egypt are praying for – wait! There are lice on my arm! And boils!

At this point, the hieroglyphic evidence ends.