A top Trump Administration official managing a $250 million advertising contract to “defeat despair and inspire hope” amid the coronavirus pandemic excluded celebrities seen as critical of President Trump. The Administration ultimately approved only 10 celebrities to participate in a PSA program: actor Dennis Quaid; gospel singer CeCe Winans; singer Marc Anthony; Hasidic singer Shulem Lemmer; Mehmet Oz, known as the television doctor Dr. Oz; country singers Billy Ray Cyrus, Miranda Lambert and Garth Brooks; former basketball player Dwyane Wade; and singer Enrique Iglesias.
- -- taken from the Washington Post, Oct. 30, p.A9
Open. A Zoom call format, with ten faces appearing in ten squares.
Quaid: Hi! I’m actor Dennis Quaid. You might know me from films like Great Balls of Fire, D.O.A., and my remake of the Hayley Mills blockbuster, The Parent Trap. But I’m here with my friends to tell you to keep your head held high during this pandemic, particularly to allow better air flow during your intubation. That’s our message today -- to stay positive, to defeat despair, and to keep hope alive – no, no, I mean, stay hopeful, that’s it. And I’ve brought some friends with me to help me share that message. Let me ask one of them to tell you all about it.
Lemmer: Shalom! Do you know me? If your tenth kid isn’t named Menachem, you probably don’t. I’m Shulem Lemmer, the first Hasidic singer to be signed to a major label! And I’m here to defeat despair, the Hasidic way! For example, if you can’t go to shul during this pandemic because large gatherings of people lead to “superspreader” events, don’t despair! Start a riot! Set fires, make angry remonstrations – anything to inspire hope. And if you see a fellow Hasid whom you think is conspiring with notorious anti-Semites like Governor Cuomo, beat the despair right out of him! Like the great Rebbe of the Middle Ages, Maimonides, said in his Guide for the Perplexed, “Boo-yah, motherfucker!”
Quaid: Thanks, Shulem, and Mazel Tov. Say, how about a medical opinion? And who better to turn to than my friend, Dr. Oz!
Dr. Oz: Hi, I’m Dr. Oz. People accuse me of an “egregious lack of ethics.” They condemn my show for addressing such important medical issues as whether heaven really exists or my contention the apple juice you give your kids contains arsenic. The British Medical Journal found that more than half of the recommendations I made on The Dr. Oz Show had either no supporting evidence or contradicted medical research, meaning that almost half of them were just fine!
But enough about me. Let’s just say I’m a leading pseudoscientist, and that’s OK, because COVID is a pseudodisease! Just ask the Trump kids! It’s time to be hopeful and positive – remember, we’re going around the bend, in more ways than one. By the way, have you put on a few extra pounds during this pandemic while you’re trapped inside? Why not buy a weight loss product? I personally recommend it!
Quaid: That’s great, Dr. Oz. At a time like this, responsible medical opinion is so important. Say, how about a little music?
Lemmer: Sure! Let me sing one of my favorite numbers, Avinu Malkeinu –
Quaid: Thanks, Shulem, but I was thinking instead of my special friend, Billy Ray Cyrus.
Cyrus: Hello everybody! It’s me, Miley’s Dad – you know, the ass-in-the-air girl? -- and I thought I’d sing one of my only greatest hit for you today!
You can tell the world I never wore a mask And say I liked to hang in a crowd
You can tell your friends just what a fool I've been And laugh how I’ll end up in a shroud Me and all my pallies we go to all the rallies
And laugh at all the dopes who take care The doctors all delude ‘em but then I cough up sputum
And struggle while I try to suck air
So don't tell my lungs My achy breaky lungs I just don't think they'd get the word And if you tell my lungs My achy breaky lungs That’s one more immune case for the herd!
Quaid: What a toe-tapper! Say, who doesn’t like basketball? Let’s hear it from NBA star Dwyane Wade.
Wade: Hello, I’m basketball player Dwyane Wade. I’ve won three NBA Championships and have been on thirteen All-Star teams and eight All-NBA teams. And I’m here to remind you that all NBA Players, Black and White, dedicated this last season to ending racial oppression and redressing the murders of men of color by militarized police. It’s as simple as this -- Black Lives Matter – just like the lives of LGBTQ+ kids like mine matter. And now, over one in every thousand Black Americans has already died of this disease, according to the American Public Media Research Lab. As Coach Rivers said, “we keep loving this country, but this country does not love us ba—”
Quaid: We seem to be having technical difficulties with Dwyane’s microphone, but at least that will give him more time to shut up and dribble. Perhaps we can turn to gospel star CeCe Winans.
Winans: Praise God! I’m CeCe Winans, and I pray you and your loved ones are safe, and you’re defeating despair. And remember, if you get the COVID and die of it, you’ll be going to a better place. Well, some of you are --
Quaid: Gosh! We seem to be all out of time, and I bet some of you want to get back to watching Wheel of Fortune! So remember, don’t despair, stay hopeful, and if you decide to wear a mask, good for you! And if you don’t, that’s your right as an American! Because it’s that concept of “freedom” that’s made this country what it is today! Am I right? Bye!
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