Terrible!

Thank you, people of Novgorod, for your welcome tonight!

It’s so good to see so many real Russians here tonight, the serfs, people who love their country, love Russia.

And, of course, there in the back of the room, the Phony Monastic Scribes, such corrupt, sick people. They lie. Lie all the time.

You know what they call me. They call me Ivan the…(pauses)

The crowd shouts “Terrible!” and laughs.

That’s right, Ivan the Terrible! Tell me, am I that terrible?

The crowd laughs and cheers enthusiastically.

They should call me Ivan the Genius, because I’m a genius. And I’m pious, very pious! There's never been a Tsar as pious as me! They should call me Ivan, the Very Pious Genius, not Ivan the Terrible!

Was I that terrible when I sacked Kazan and Astrakhan? Was I that terrible when I brought back wagonloads of treasure and slaves, hundreds of Tatar slaves, thousands of Tatar slaves! People came to me and said “Ivan, enough with the slaves, already! We have too many slaves! Stop bringing us Tatar slaves!” But I said, “We need more slaves! We don’t have enough slaves! We need slaves to Make Russia Great Again!”

The crowd laughs and applauds.

But still, they call me Terrible, and you know who they are. The hateful boyars, the so-called Noblemen – they’re not noble, folks, I call them the Not So Noble Men. And their friends, the Phony Monastic Scribes. Some people say we should impale them on a spike.

The crowd cheers and chants, “Impale Them on a Spike! Impale Them on a Spike!”

No, no, if I did that, they’d say, “Oh, that’s Ivan again, he’s so terrible.” Do they talk about all the good things I’ve done? For example, a little thing called the conquest of the Mongols? Or my decree that I have the right to punish anybody, any time, in any way I want? No, these Not So Noble Men, they just resist. When I told them my rule was the product of divine will, did they come together around me, help unite Russia? No! And, let me just say, I didn’t do that for myself, I did that for Russia, to protect the Tsardom for future Tsars! But no, the hateful boyars, the Not So Noble Men, they resisted, because they hate Russia, folks.

The crowd chants “Russia! Russia!”

They repeat these fake stories, hoaxes, like, “Oh, Ivan cuts people to pieces, he strips women naked and dismembers them with axes!" That’s so untrue -- fake tidings, everybody – and, besides, some of the people who dismember people with axes, they’re very good people. There are very good people on both sides of that axe.

A heckler in the crowd shouts out, “Freedom for all of Russia!” A supporter shouts “Disembowel him!” as the crowd sets upon him.

No, no, that’s alright. You know what they used to do with a guy like that -- take him out and impale him on a spike! (Ivan pantomimes a dead body on a spike, head askew, tongue out.) But, these Phony Monastic Scribes, they keep writing these Fake Tidings, like “Ivan ties these corrupt Not So Noble Men to a sled and drags them into the icy Moscow River to drown!” They call it “watersledding,” like it’s bad thing! But watersledding saves lives, our precious Russian lives! Watersledding keeps us safe!

But you know what they say, they say he’s Ivan the … (pauses)

The crowd responds, “Terrible!” and laughs raucously.

You hear it from them all the time. “Ivan’s terrible!” I’m not terrible! I’m wonderful! They should call me, Ivan the Wonderful! Ivan, the Wonderful, Very Pious Genius! Instead, they lie about me. They say, “Oh Ivan’s a fraud, he just inherited his position. His father, Vasili III, was a Tsar, and when his father died when he was just three years old, they crowned him Grand Prince of Moscow.” But, let me tell you, that was a very little crown, like a baby’s hat.

But, by the time I was sixteen, I became Tsar, Tsar of all of Russia, which is a much, much bigger crown. I built one of the greatest empires in history! If I’m so terrible, why am I the most popular Tsar in history?

Jubilant cries of “You are!”

And the successful, too! Am I the most successful?

Delighted squeals of “Yes! Yes!”

That’s what they should call me! Ivan the Successful! Ivan the Most Popular, Most Successful, Wonderful, Very Pious Genius!

But you know they won’t. You know what they'll say -- it’ll still be Ivan the…(he cups his ear with his hand)

The crowd shouts “Terrible!” and erupts in frenzied, ecstatic pandemonium.