“Well, here’s another customer. Step right up, step right up, that’s good, Sir. Don’t be shy, you’re in the right place, no worries. Hermes bring you here? Nice guy, isn’t he? Sure he is. Step aboard, that’s right, mind the gap between the pier and the boat…that’s right… very good. I’d tell you to take any seat but there are no seats, are there? Heh, heh, my little joke. Ferry must be popular as it’s standing room only. Heh, heh. Like I said, my little joke.
“Alright, then. Welcome to the Styx River Ferry, my name’s Charon, I’ll be your ferryman tonight – well, it’s always night, isn’t it? We’ll be departing the uncharted, western edge of Greece in just a few moments and should be arriving in Hades, where your soul will reside for all eternity, in about…oh…twenty minutes, but who’s in a rush? Am I right? The water’s calm today like it always is and even though it’s rather dark and foreboding out it should be pretty easy going for our crossing today.
“But before we push off, I just want to mention a few rules for your safety and comfort. First, please keep your hands inside the boat. We understand the temptation to touch the River Styx’s inky black water, but doing so is not only fatal to man or beast – not your concern right now, I understand – but bodes poorly for your coming judgment. Second, no flash photography, please. I mean, what good is flash photography going to do you? Who are you going to show the picture to, anyway? Am I right? Of course, I am. And please note that there are no life preservers on our boat because you have no life to preserve, do you? Heh, heh. My little joke.
“So, let me push us out into the river…there! That wasn’t very hard, was it? Now, I need to ask you for the fare. Just a few coins, we prefer Grecian obolos but we’ll take whatever you have, except plastic – we don’t work on credit around here, as you can imagine, and the service charges are rather high. No money, you say? Of course, you have money! No, no, not in your pockets, no sense looking there. Here -- reach up and touch your eyes. That’s right – you see? A coin on both of them, and they were put there to give to me! Plus, they keep your lids closed – no one likes eyes popping open during the viewing, do they? Of course they don’t. OK, give them here, very good. Much easier to see now, isn’t it? That’s what everyone says. Now check under your tongue…that’s right. You see? There’s another. Same thing. Give it here…very good.
“Well, it looks like you’re alone this trip, which is good for you, because this little boat can get awfully crowded if I’ve got souls lining up waiting to make a crossing. And a boatload of tormented souls, they make quite a ruckus, believe you me. Oh, the wailing, the anguish! And they haven’t even gotten to the other side yet. Many of them will end up enjoying beautiful Elysium, but still, how they go on! But you look like a pretty calm chap, isn’t that right? Am I right? Are you a pretty calm chap? I thought so. I wouldn’t worry if I were you. Besides, what’s the use?
“Now, on our right, I’d like to point out an interesting feature. You can see a distant ray of sunshine through the menacing clouds and inky blackness. Can you make it out? Those are the Elysian Fields I just mentioned, where benevolent souls will live out eternity. You, Sir? Oh, don’t ask me, I’m only the ferryman. My job is to drop you off at the shore of Hades and then you’ll make alternative transportation arrangements to Elysium or Tartarus, depending on whatever the case may be. But I hear it’s very nice, very nice in Elysium. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. Well…if¸ of course.
“So, how do you like being dead so far? Nervous? Oh, don’t be nervous about it. After all, you lived a good life, didn’t you? I’m sure you did. Just looking at you, you’ve got smooth hands and all your teeth, so you must have had an easy time of it. Tell me, what did you do before you passed? A hedge fund manager! Well, I’m sure a great reward awaits you! You were a good person, am I right? You were? Out there hedging every day or whatever it is you do. Chaired the annual dance committee at the country club? Very nice, very nice. Community
service, everybody likes that.
“That wailing noise behind us? Just a lost spirit, searching for eternal rest, Sir. Poor thing -- well, he didn’t have the fare, did he? Oh, now, I don’t know if I’d say it was cruel. It’s just like in your previous life – I mean, no dues, no table at the country club dance, same thing isn’t it? Truth be told, after about a hundred years of tormented wailing, I’ll usually let them on if I have space that day. But it’s not my doing – if his family didn’t bury him with the right currency like yours did, he should take it up with them. Some people just have trouble with rules, if you ask me.
“So…any children? Really – a boy and a girl! Well, that worked out for you, didn’t it? And where are they? Oh! The boy’s in a FARC camp in Colombia? Fighting for Communist insurgents? Well, I’m sure it is opposed to everything you’ve ever stood for -- I can certainly sense your disappointment. My, my, when did he go there? That long? Hmm…well, that shows a strong social commitment. I’m sure that will redound to your benefit, a good upbringing like that. And your daughter — oh, I’m sorry. No communication at all? Very sad, yes, Sir. Somewhere in Berlin you say! Well, that must be very exciting for her. Well, you must have been a good father, I’m sure – you can’t always tell by how things turn out, can you? I don’t think you have any worries at all.
“Me, Sir? How long have I been doing this? Oh, ever since I can remember. Or forever, same thing. Heh, heh. My little joke. It’s steady work, and I get to be outside, and you meet all sorts of people. And I like the quiet time I have alone on the way back, although now and then you get an Odysseus or Orpheus looking to hitch a ride back. Oh, poor Orpheus! He was so sad, having lost Eurydice, you couldn’t cheer the poor guy up. But it was his own fault, wasn’t it? You know the story – no? Well, too long to go into now. Speaking of which – on our left, you can see some fiery red lightning piercing the ebon night off in the distance. Yes, that’s right, that’s Tartarus, where the damned will enjoy – if that’s the right word -- eternity. Fearful place, I hear tell. Me? No, never been, no interest -- rivers of fire, that sort of thing. I just stick to the boat, Sir.
“Well, I’ve been chatting my head off, haven’t I? Hope your ride hasn’t been too uncomfortable. But we are very near our destination. In fact, if you listen, you can hear Cerberus barking, the famous three-headed dog who guards the entrance to Hades. No, Harry Potter got the idea from us, Sir.
“We’ll be docking in just a few moments. Is there anything else I can do to make your voyage more enjoyable? No, there usually isn’t. I’ll just take us up to the dock – my, those dogs are loud, aren’t they? – here we go. Well then, thanks for riding the Styx River Ferry, my name is Charon and I’ve been your ferryman today. Please mind the gap between the pier and the boat when disembarking. And that’s a good rule in life, isn’t it? Mind the gap. Heh heh. My little joke.”
Happy Halloween!
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